Comedians’ Dialogues

Comedians’ dialogues or xiangsheng (literally, “face and voice”)is a lively popular entertainment form that is especially well loved in northern Chinese cities such as Beijing, Tianjin, and Shenyang. Although from one to five performers may participate, usually there are two, a “joke cracker” and a “joke setter.” The two can conjure scenes involving several people by cleverly switching roles as they proceed. They joke, pun, sing, tell stories, do imitations, and above all satirize.

Traditionally, comedians’ dialogues were set routines about well-known stories. Audiences watched more to savor the performance than to discover what happens. But in the People’s Republic the emphasis has shifted to creation of new pieces and to finding new objects for satire. For example, after the fall of the Gang of Four in October 1976, comedians’ dialogues were among the first art forms (along with cartoons) to satirize the Gang of Four. Their quick appearance was possible partly because they were based on jokes that had been circulating underground well before the arrest of the Gang, and partly because they were so simple to stage and perform—requiring two willing actors and little else. The closeness of comedians’ dialogues to popular concerns and their quickness in reflecting these concerns contributed greatly to their popularity during the relaxation of 1979-80. The satire of red tape, buckpassing, and overstaffing (as in the three examples collected here) brought great cheer to audiences who encountered such problems in daily life and sought release through comedy. Because appreciation of comedians’ dialogues requires no literacy, and because performances were frequently broadcast on China’s most pervasive medium of radio, this art form has enjoyed the largest of audiences.

Comedians’ dialogues are also published in written form as literary works, and the roles of writer of these texts and performer of the dialogues have grown largely separate since the 1950s. “The Multi-Level Hotel” is exceptional in this sense, because its author, Ma Ji, is also a famous performer. Liu Ziyu, author of “The Tyrant Bids Farewell to His Mistress,” was a young editor at the magazine Tianjin Performing Arts (Tianjin yanchang) in 1979-80.

A: Do you know anything about apple-polishing?

B: I do not!

A: Do you know how to set up a stool pigeon?

B: I do not!

A: Do you know how to handle a telephone call?

B: I do n—Of course I do! Anybody can answer a telephone!

A: Well then why can’t I?

B: At your age, you still can’t handle a phone call?

A: It’s not that easy where I work.

B: Where do you work?

A: At the Bureau Chief Bureau.

B: Bureau Chief Bureau? I’ve heard of the Industry Bureau, Agriculture Bureau, Transportation Bureau, Commerce Bureau, Supply Bureau, Personnel Bureau, Construction Bureau, Culture Bureau, Education Bureau, Sanitation Bureau—since when has there been a Bureau Chief Bureau?

A: Anyway, that’s where I work—the Bureau Chief Bureau.

B: What do they do at this Bureau Chief Bureau?

A: Beats me, but if you work there, I guarantee you, everything will be—

B: Soft and cushy?

A: One frustration after another! I’m a full-grown man, and I can’t even handle a phone call without problems. I’m on duty the other day, for example. The phone rings. I pick up the receiver and put it to my ear, and then the trouble starts!

B: Who’s calling?

A: The new deputy secretary of the Municipal Committee.

B: Who does he want to talk to?

A: “Bureau Chief Bureau? Let me talk to your bureau chief.”

B: What’s so hard about that? All you have to do is get your bureau chief to answer the phone.

A: Sounds easy, doesn’t it? “Oh, the Bureau Chief? He’s at a meeting with the provincial government.”

B: He’s unreachable.

A: “Well, then I’ll talk to the deputy bureau chief.”

B: Easy enough. Get the deputy bureau chief.

A: “Deputy bureau chief? Um, which deputy bureau chief do you want?”

B: Got to have a name!

A: “Well, let’s see. How about a deputy bureau chief named Ma?”

B: Deputy Bureau Chief Ma.

A: “Do you mean Elder Ma, Big Ma, or Junior Ma?”

B: Three of ‘em!

A: “Well, then, how about Deputy Bureau Chief Нu?”

В: Now we’ll see who’s Нu around here!

A: “We’ve got two Hu’s. You want Big Нu or Number Two Нu?”

В: Нu ever! Why does he have to talk to a bigwig, anyway? Why not just talk to the person left in charge?

A: Below the bureau chiefs there are only two section members.

B: And below the section members?

A: Two office personnel.

В: And below them?

A: The door man.

B: That’s five personnel. And how many chiefs and deputy chiefs?

A: One bureau chief and nine deputy bureau chiefs—exactly ten altogether.

B: Twice the number of workers?

A: Why do you think they call it the Bureau Chief Bureau? Lots of officials with hardly any workers!

B: Even with the “iron rice bowl” [guaranteed job] mentality, somebody has to do the work!

A: That depends on the situation! The deputy secretary of the Municipal Committee still hasn’t hung up. “Bureau Chief Bureau? The Bureau Chief is out, you say? Well, if I can’t talk to Number One, then give me Number Two.”

B: The number two man!

A: “Number Two is very old and weak. He’s resting at home on extended leave.” “Well, then, how about Number Three?”

B: That’s it; work your way down.

A: “The number three man is on family visitation in Hangzhou and hasn’t returned yet.”

B: Try Number Four, then.

A: “Number Four is a soccer star. If you throw the ball to him, he’ll kick it right back to you.”

B: How about Number Five?

A: “Number Five is a female deputy bureau chief. She got herself transferred here last month through marital connections. She hasn’t come to work since she first reported in.”

B: Whew! Try Number Six, then.

A: “Number Six is in a bad mood at the moment. He objects to the order in ranking of the deputy bureau chiefs.”

B: Well, from the looks of it, we’ll have to settle for Number Seven.

A: “Number Seven, you say? He can’t answer the phone either. Says he’s under too much pressure. Afraid Number Eight will accuse him of having ‘long arms’—reaching for power.”

B: Then all our hopes are pinned on Number Nine, aren’t they?

A: “Number Nine has made it very clear that nobody in his position dares to make a decision about anything.”

В: I see what you mean about your telephone being hard to answer.

A: The fellow on the other end of the line was getting desperate too. “Bureau Chief Bureau? Why can’t anyone handle my phone call? We’re going to have to do something about this, you know!”

B: Ah, things are looking up!

A: “You tell those people—”

B: Here comes the solution!

A: “Tomorrow I’m assigning the Bureau Chief Bureau another deputy bureau chief!”

B: Another chief—just what you need!

Originally published in Quyi (Beijing), March 1980.

Translated by Jan W. Walls.

A: I recently went to perform in your hometown.

B: You did? What was your impression?

A: Great! If I ever get the chance I’ll do everything I can not to go back.

B: Huh? You call it “great,” but you don’t want to go back? What happened—cold audiences?

A: The audiences greeted my performance with enthusiastic applause. They were as warm as could be.

B: Could it be that the climate didn’t suit you?

A: The climate was wonderful. “Four seasons like spring”—neither hot nor cold—and the scenery was delightful. It suited me just fine.

B: Could it be that they didn’t treat you properly?

A: Who says? The leading comrades received me personally. The director of the Bureau of Culture accompanied me to every performance. And the hotel I stayed in was too beautiful for words. The rooms had thermostats. The bathroom had piping from the hot springs, and there was hot water twenty-four hours a day.

B: Which hotel did you stay in?

A: The Multi-Level Hotel.

B: The Multi-Level Hotel? How many levels did it have?

A: More than two hundred!

B: More than two hundred? There’re no buildings that tall!

A: No, no. Not that kind of level. There were over two hundred levels of formalities at this hotel.

B: Oh, I see. What you’re saying is that the hotel had a swollen bureaucracy—endless regulations—that kind of multi-level hotel.

A: But the room charges were comparatively low.

B: How much a day?

A: One dollar!

B: Only a dollar for such nice rooms? Really cheap!

A: Well—in addition to that, there were some service charges.

B: Couldn’t have been too much, could it?

A: Oh, no? There was a fee for raising and lowering the heat, a management fee, a sanitation fee, a water and electricity fee, a furniture depreciation fee, a fee for repairing doors and windows, a fee for laundering the bedding, a fee for pillow slips, a fee for pillowcases.

B: Wouldn’t it have saved trouble to add it all up as a one-time charge?

A: Can’t do that! Too many departments in the hotel! They’ve got an elaborate division of labor. Everybody handles his own job and takes his own fee.

B: They couldn’t be very efficient, then.

A: The day I registered, for example, I was bounced back and forth so much that it almost put me in the hospital.

B: What happened?

A: I took my letter of introduction to the Municipal Party Committee to get a chop [official stamp] put on it. They sent me to the City Service Corporation to get a chop. From there I had to go to the Primary Level Headquarters for a chop. Then from there to the District Primary Level office for a chop. All this before I even got to the Multi-Level Hotel.

B: That’s quite a few levels already!

A: The minute I entered the hotel, an elderly attendant asked me, “Are you registering to stay in this hotel?”

B: Right!

A: (continuing as the attendant): “You have a letter of introduction?”

B: (now assuming the role of the arriving guest): Of course.

A: “Let me have a look at it. What’s it say in the letter?”

B: You can’t read it clearly?

A: “I can’t read at all.”

B: If you can’t read, what’re you looking at it for?

A: “Procedures required by my superiors. All letters have to be looked at. What’s your occupation?”

B: Performer.

A: “Oh, well, then! Go in this door, and go to Business Office Number Six.

В: Wow! So many business offices?

A: “Uh, Business Office One handles officials of the Party, government, and military. Office Two is in charge of industry. Three is in charge of agriculture. Four handles communication and transport. Five does finance and trade, and Six does culture, education, and public health.”

B: That’s dividing it too fine!

A: (in his own role): When I got to Office Six and took a look around, there were quite a few personnel there—at least six or seven—all sitting along two sides of a table, concentrating completely on what they were doing.

B: Having a meeting?

A: Playing chess!

B: Playing chess on the job?

A: Well, they didn’t have very much to do, so why not play some chess to kill time?

B: A typical case of overstaffing—more hands than needed.

A: One of the attendants greeted me warmly: “Who’re you looking for?”

B: (taking the role of “A”): I’ve come to handle the formalities.

A: “OK. How about filling out a form?”

B: If you say so.

A: (himself again): There was no way I could fill it out.

B: How come?

A: It was a postal money order form.

B: He must’ve given you the wrong form. Better exchange it!

A: (in role of attendant): “They’re all the same. To remit a hundred dollars you pay one dollar.”

B: No, no. The man’s here to register in the hotel!

A: “Oh, I’m sorry. My specialization is postal money orders. For hotel registration you’ll have to wait for Comrade Xiaoman.” [pun: Xiaoman = “little slow”]

B: Where’s Comrade Little Slow?

A: “You’ll have to wait a little while. She’s gone out to lunch. She’ll be back at 2:30.”

B: Guess you have to wait, eh?

A: (in his own role): I must admit that Comrade Little Slow had an acute sense of time. At exactly 2:30 on the dot she came in doing shadowboxing.

B: Shadowboxing?

(A stretches and simulates a yawn.)

B: Must’ve been sleepy from her noon nap.

A: “Which comrade wants to complete formalities?”

B: (as “A”): Me!

A: “You have a letter of introduction?”

B: Sure.

A: “How about filling out an application?”

B: What is all this filling out of applications?

A: “Right. A nation has its laws. A home has its regulations. A hotel has its rules. In our hotel everybody has to fill out a form—no exceptions! Have to be three copies. Writing brush or pen only. Invalid if altered. Attach a one-inch photo of self from waist up. No hats.”

В: (in own role): That’s just great! More trouble than applying for a passport!

A: I took the application and looked it over. Two large sheets of tiny scrunched-up characters. Over forty items to be filled out.

B: What were they?

A: Name; any other name or alias; previously used names; sex; age; place of birth; date of birth; family background; class status; purpose of visit; introduced by; approximate length of stay; whether carrying any important documents, letters, maps, secret documents, and if so what is written therein—

B: Wow!

A: Just plain impossible!

B: That’s what I say.

A: —was I carrying in my suitcase any of the following: checks made out to cash; valuable objects, such as gold, silver, jewelry, bicycles?

B: Bicycles? In a suitcase?

B: There was more. Was I carrying any combustibles, explosives, or dangerous perishables such as gasoline, gunpowder, nitric acid, sulfuric acid, hydrochloric acid, banana oil, orange juice—?

B: Wait! Wait! Orange juice? A dangerous substance?

A: That’s not all. How many boxes of matches was I carrying into the hotel? How many cigarette lighters? Any firecrackers such as sizzlers, fizzlers, double-bangers? How many strings of minifirecrackers? How many concussion bombs and cherry bombs? How many rockets? How many boxes of “rat droppings”?¹

B: Good god! You had to fill out all this?

A: It took over half an hour to fill it all out. When it was finally done, “Little Slow” took a big stamp and stamped the application. “OK, comrade.”

B: What room number?

A: (as the clerk): “Don’t be in such a hurry. I have to ask you where you’re from.”

B: It’s all on the application.”

A: “Just to be on the safe side I want to ask you orally.”

B: (aside): Like a college entrance examination?²

A: “Where’d you come from?”

B: Beijing.

A: “Where’re you going?”

B: Here!

A: “This your destination? Or passing through?”

B: This is my destination.

A: “What did you come here to do?”

B: Perform.

A: “Going back this evening?”

B: (as “A”): Going back this evening? Why would I be going through all these registration procedures if—

A: “Don’t get excited, comrade—”

B: I’m not excited, but staying in a hotel is simply a matter of registering. How come all these tedious formalities?

A: “One has to be secure in business matters. Remember—’First stop, then look, and only then proceed.’³ ‘Better three minutes too late than one second too early.’ ”

B: (aside): What’d she think she was doing? Driving an automobile?

A: (continuing): “Did you just get off the train?”

B: Hah! I’ve been here over three hours!

A: “Where’d you have lunch?”

B: I haven’t yet.

A: “Oh. Not had lunch yet? Well, that’s no problem—”

B: How come?

A: “Combine it with dinner!”

B: (aside): How absurd!

A: “OK, take your applicatin and go to the Security Section to register.”

В: Ye gods! Now I have to go to the Security Section. Where’s the Security Section?

A: “Go out here—Building Two—”

B: (in own role): Better hurry up.

A: I went around Building Two three times and couldn’t find the Security Section.

B: How come?

A: That’s what I asked her. “You’re in too big a hurry,” she said. “I wasn’t finished—”

B: You said Building Two.

A: “Right, but I was saying, ‘Building Two will get you nowhere—’ ”

В: I see. Then where should I go?

A: “Building Three—”

B: (own role): OK, then go to Building Three!

A: I did but still couldn’t find it!

B: Still not there?

A: I asked her again. “You don’t learn, do you?” she said. “I wasn’t finished speaking—”

B: You said Building Three.

A: “I was about to say, ‘Building Three has another building diagonally opposite—’ ”

В: (aside): This gal must’ve had some heavy noodles for lunch. So where was it, anyway?

A: “In Building Four—”

B: (own role): Don’t go yet! Wait and see if she has anything to add to that.

A: Right, that’s what I did. I lit a cigarette and waited. I’d almost finished the cigarette when she added a word: “—alongside—”

B: Oh, boy! This Comrade Little Slow really was too slow.

A: I found the Security Section, went in, and took a look around. There were four comrades there. One was reading the newspaper, one was working on some furniture, and one was listening to the radio. Only one was sitting at the desk, not making a sound.

B: Hard at work?

A: Nope. Fast asleep.

B: Nothing to do, eh?

A: “Comrades, I’ve come to register for a room.” “I see,” one said. “Fill out this form.”

B: Another form!

A: This one was even more complicated than the last.

B: What kind of a form was it?

A: A questionnaire on the safety of guests.

B: What’d it ask?

A: Name; any other name or alias; names used in the past; sex; age; place of birth; date of birth; family background; class status—

B: Same old junk as the other one!

A: —facial appearance; characteristics; height; weight; girth; length; wearing what clothes? Any facial blemishes? Any moles? How many whorls and loops in fingerprints?

B: What were they trying to do? Arrest a wanted criminal?

A: There was more—year, month, and day of arrival in the city; list all activities; was death from sudden illness, vehicular accident, suicide, assassination, or murder? Caused by slashed throat, hanging, jumping in a river, jumping down a well, swallowing DDT—?

B: What utter nonsense!

A: The comrade said to me: “If ‘yes,’ fill in the reasons. If ‘no,’ mark with an X. We always prepare for the future in our security work. What if we waited for something to happen to you before we asked you to fill out the form? Could you?”

B: Since when do guests fill out this kind of questionnaire?

A: “Comrade,” he said, “we’re simply carrying out the wishes of our superiors. We hope you’ll comply. Isn’t this also a contribution to the Four Modernizations?”

B: OK, OK! Let’s all contribute!

A: I decided just to fill out whatever they wanted me to. I completed the form, and, bang! He whacked it with a big chop. “Okay, comrade—”

B: What room number do I get?

A: “Take it easy. Bring this form to the Health Protection Office and register.”

B: Where? Health Protection?

A: Come to think of it, this hotel really shows great consideration for its guests.

B: How’s that?

A: For safety’s sake they issue everybody a double-edged sword.⁴

B: Whaaat?

A: Oh, dear! When I entered the Health Protection Office I saw their staff was bigger yet.

B: Yeah, but still no work.

A: What do you mean? The people in this office were all so worn out that sweat was running down their necks.

B: Doing physical exams?

A: No, propped on pillows playing poker!

B: That’s really loafing.

A: “Comrades, I’ve come to register at the hotel.” “Fill out a form!”

B: Wherever you went they wanted a form filled out. If you’d known in advance you could’ve had a dozen printed up and saved yourself a lot of bother.

A: I took a look at the form. “Survey of Guests’ Physical Condition.”

B: What did it ask?

A: Name; alias or any other name used; sex; age; place of origin; date of birth; family background; class status—

B: All over again.

A: —condition of appliant’s health? Any disease? How being treated? History of past illnesses; family history of past illnesses; illness history for three generations back. Ever had any of the following diseases: gallstones; colitis; skin disease; communicable diseases; high blood pressure; hypoglycemia; severe colds; blood fluke (schistosomiasis); vasculitis; vitiligo; kidney stones; tracheitis; psoriasis; epilepsy; paralysis; lack of proper care after childbirth; fatal heart attack; hyperplasia of the bones? Normal reaction to type О blood? Ever had X-rays? Ever had an electrocardiogram? Ever had any preventive inoculations? Vaccinated for smallpox? Ever admitted to a hospital? Ever admitted to a crematorium?

B: No!

A: ... How well do you sleep? What sleeping habits? Do you sleep on your side? On your back? Across the bed? Standing up?

B: I’ve never practiced that particular skill!

A: ... Do you snore? Sleepwalk? Sleeptalk? Have any quirks during sleep such as grinding the teeth, passing wind, or smacking the lips?

B: What’s all this got to do with staying at a hotel?

A: “That’s not up to us,” he said. “We’re assigned to investigate, so we investigate. Hurry up and complete the form! How’re we going to raise efficiency with a slowpoke like you?”

B: Look who’s talking about “raising efficiency”!

A: When I finished filling out the form, another big chop landed on it. “Okay, comrade.”

B: What room number do I get?

A: “Don’t be in such a hurry—”

B: Where else did they send you?

A: “Take this form to the Cashier’s Office and pay an asker.”

В: Asker? You mean a teller.

A: “Nope. Our whole bureaucracy can’t tell you a thing. We only have askers.”

В: At least he was right about that! Where was the Cashier’s Office?

A: “Go out the main door, get on the Number Eight bus, take that to the Number Nine electric bus, go three stops, get off and walk back in the direction you came from, go two short blocks and then turn north. It’s on the east side of the street, facing west. A big red gate.”

B: Good god, dispatched again!

A: “We’re expanding, comrade! We’re increasing our office space and the size of our staff. We don’t have enough space in the hotel right now, but in a year the Cashier’s Office will move back here.”

В: I see—you’ll be streamlining the bureaucracy.

A: “No, we’re going to cut down on the number of guests.”

B: With that kind of expansion there’ll soon be nothing left but offices.

A: “I can’t be bothered about that. You just hurry on over to the Cashier’s Office and register—”

B: Off you go!

A: When I got there two people jumped to their feet. “Let me handle this, Zhang. You better finish Count of Monte Cristo before you have to give it back.” “No, no,” said the other one, “I haven’t done anything for days. Let me do it.” “No, don’t bother with it,” said the first one. “I don’t have anything else to do.” “No, you take it easy.” “OK, OK, I’ll let you do it.” “Well, have it your own way then, you take care of it.”

B: So who finally took care of you?

A: Neither. They entirely ignored me.

B: Gosh!

A: Another fellow sitting at the side stood up and said, “If you won’t handle this, I will, and this month’s bonus will go to me again!”

В: Huh? The guy was concerned about a bonus?

A: “What can I do for you?” he asked.

B: I’ve come to register.

A: “Oh, so you want to register—”

B: Fill out another form, I bet. What kind of form this time?

A: “Appetite Survey.”

B: Looks like this hotel has to take more people. They survey everything!

A: I hurried to fill out the form, which started out—

В: I know it by heart! Name; alias; names previously used—

A:After that I had to fill out “Family’s Financial Condition and Circumstances”: How many people in family? How many brothers? How many sisters? How many children? How many spouses?

B: What?

A: “Sorry, there’s a printing error on the questionnaire. Just do the best you can.”

B: That’s outrageous!

A: Then it asked: Who provides for your parents? How much do you give them every month? Does your spouse object to this?

B: Is that any of their concern?’

A: What level of board are you buying at the hotel? The fifty-five-cent rate? Sixty-nine-cent rate? Eighty-five? Dollar and six cents? Are you vegetarian? Do you prefer rice or wheat? Do you like stuffed buns, dumplings, or noodles? Buckwheat noodles? How much do you eat at one sitting? Do you drink? White wine? Colored wines? Beer? Sparkling wines? Sweet rice wine? Medicinal liquors? Do you act crazy after drinking? Do you hit people or merely curse them? Do you cry or laugh? Just talk or cause a disturbance? How many times might you drink while staying at the hotel? How many times might you cause a disturbance?

B: What a crock of nonsense!

A: When I came out of the Cashier’s Office I went back to the service desk, filled out a form, paid the service charge, and then headed for the Meals Office. There I filled out another form to buy meal tickets before going to the Secretariat to fill out a form for my identity pass. Finally I made it to the Room Allocation Office.

B: What room did you get?

A: Don’t be in such a hurry.

B: More forms, eh?

A: There was no point filling out any more forms. They were out of rooms!

B: Great! After all that tearing about, you filled out all the forms for nothing!

A: From there I went layer by layer through all the responsible persons, explaining my situation. Finally they took care of me. They gave me Room One on the ninth floor.

В: So you finally got a room!

A: I went up to the service desk on the ninth floor. “Can you open the door for me, comrade?”

B: What did the attendant say?

A: “First please fill out this form.”

B: Not again!

A: “Comrade,” he said, “these are procedures stipulated from above. But first step into the room.”

B: So go in!

A: I could see at a glance the room was a total mess. A layer of dust covered everything.

B: Why hadn’t they cleaned it up?

A: “Please excuse us, comrade. We’re short of help. There are more than ten guests living on the ninth floor, and we have only thirty-four people in our service department.”

B: That’s “short on help”?

A: “But comrade, that thirty-four includes the department chief, the assistant department chief, the section chief, the assistant section chief, the team chief, the assistant team chief, the group chief, and the assistant group chief.”

B: Quite a few cadres, eh?

A: “We’ve also set up a service office for seventeen unemployed cadres.”

B: Is that so?

A: “Then there are two cadres in charge of personnel matters, two cadres in charge of security, two in charge of the labor union, two in charge of the Communist Youth League, two in charge of women’s affairs, two in charge of family planning, and two in charge of education. How many does that leave?”

B: Everybody’s a cadre!

A: “There’s a few things I must ask you to attend to yourself.”

B: OK.

A: “—make your bed, and fold your quilts—”

B: That I can do.

A: “—get your own tea water—”

B: No problem.

A: “—clean up your own room—”

B: OK, OK.

A: “—sweep up the corridors, mop the floors, polish the mirror, clean the toilet, nail the leg onto the bed, put up the mosquito netting, fix the electric light switch, clean out the sewer lines, plaster the back outside wall—”

B: You mean I’ve come here to repair the whole building? There should be specialists for all these things!

A: “There are. Somebody’s in charge of each thing, but to handle all the procedures would take from three to five months. Can you wait?”

B: No.

A: “—I must also tell you there’s no electricity in the room.”

B: What happened?

A: “The light bulb blew.”

B: So? Change it!

A: “Right! I made a report a year and a half ago, but it hasn’t been approved yet.”

B: Too complicated for words.

A: It’s only for three days, I thought to myself. I’ll just make do.

B: Right.

A: “But,” I said to the comrade, “there’s one thing I must trouble you with. I have to go perform in the evenings, beginning tonight. Could I possibly eat an hour early?”

B: Shouldn’t be any big problem.

A: “For that,” said he, “you’ll have to check with the Dining Room Bureau. It’s not our department.”

B: Off to the Dining Room Bureau!

A: In the Dining Room Bureau a woman comrade with long braids was most friendly. “So you want to eat a little earlier, do you? I’m sorry, but there won’t be time to cook up anything special. How about some noodles?”

B: Yeah, OK.

A: “Well, would you mind filling out this form?”

B: Good gosh!

A: “What’s your room number?”

B: Ninth floor, number one.

A: “Surname?”

B: There they go again—!

A: “Age?”

B: Forty-three.

A: “Occupation?”

B: Entertainer.

A: “How many years have you been married?”

B: Mar—what?!

A: “Just fill out whatever they ask, OK?”

B: Hah!

A: “Take this slip and get the supervisor to approve it.”

B: Layer after layer of approvals again?

A: The supervisor signed it and wrote, “Waiter Work Team approves—transfer to Kitchen Work Team for approval.”

B: What?!

A: The supervisor of the kitchen team approved it with the notation, “Pending approval of the Section Chief”; and the Section Chief wrote, “Awaiting approval of the Department Chief”; and the Department Chief wrote, “Request certification by the Bureau of Culture.”

B: Was one bowl of noodles worth all that?

A: When I saw the way things were going, I went straight to the hotel manager.

B: To the manager for a bowl of noodles!

A: He wasn’t a bad type at all—very straightforward. “Secretary Liu!”

B: I hope he’s told them to cook the noodles—

A: “Check the documents for any possible guidance on the question of noodles!”

B: Since when are there documents on noodles?

A: “Better go back to your room, comrade. I can’t approve this on my own.”

B: The noodles stumped even the manager!

A: “Comrade! We leaders must not be autocratic! Can we let a single pushy person decide things? Let’s just wait for the assistant manager to come back. He and I will discuss it as quickly as possible.”

B: Where was the assistant manager?

A: “On business in Guangzhou.”

B: God! I can’t wait that long.

A: “Can’t wait? Then let me request instruction from the municipal Party secretary.”

B: Yeah?

A: “Forget it,” I said. “Before you know it, this’ll go to the province level. I can do without the noodles.”

B: What did you eat, then?

A: I bought a loaf of bread and made do. When my three days of performances were over and I was on my way back, I was getting onto the train when the hotel manager came running down the platform.

B: He’d come to see you off—

A: “Comrade,” he said, “your bowl of noodles has been approved!”

Originally published in Tianjin Yanchang, No. 5, 1979.

Translated by Robert N. Tharp.

_________________

1. “Rat droppings” is the nickname for a kind of small firecracker.

2. In some Chinese universities, departments such as foreign languages or performing arts require an oral entrance examination after the written one.

3. This a widely used warning to pedestrians.

4. This is a word play on baojian—“health protection” and “double-edged sword.”

A (a young man’s voice): Do you like traditional Peking opera?

В (an old man’s voice): Most people my age do.

A: We young people feel—ah—a certain way about it.

B: What’s that?

A: We don’t know what they’re talking about!

B: My goodness! Peking opera is an ancient folk theater, full of distinctive national artistic character—the singing, recitation, acting and fighting all have to be just right. Traditional Peking operas dramatize a great many splendid historical stories and have real educational significance.

A: Right! Right! I saw a scene the other day that I did understand and learn a lesson from.

B: Which opera?

A: “The Tyrant Bids Farewell to His Mistress.”

B: Oh, that’s a great play! It’s about the despotic arbitrary rule of Xiang Yu, the Tyrant of Chu. He clung obstinately to his course and in the end fell into General Han Xin’s ambush on ten sides. He bade final farewell to his beloved concubine, Yu Ji, and then slit his own throat at the Wu River.

A: That’s the story, all right. Where do you think Xiang Yu’s common sense went?

B: Well, he was a tyrant, after all. What can you expect?

A: He wouldn’t listen when his advisor Fan Zeng told him to kill Liu Bang.

B: He thought he was the only one who was ever right.

A: And in the end he couldn’t face the parents of the boys who died for him.

B: He brought disgrace and ruin upon himself.

A: But you know, that guy really did have talent.

B: Enough to move mountains!

A: And he had a lot of people under him too.

B: Eight thousand followers in the camp!

A: And he fought victorious battles.

B: He was invincible!

A: He was also a Party branch secretary.

B: A leading cadre—huh? Party secretary?

A: But he didn’t study quite hard enough.

B: Hold on there!Who’s a Party secretary?

A: The tyrant!

B: The Tyrant of Chu was a Party member?

A: Uh—nоре! I’m talking about the Tyrant Wu.

B: Where did you come up with Tyrant Wu?

A: You don’t know Tyrant Wu? He’s the Party secretary in our unit. Name of Wu. He can be benevolent or very highhanded. Everyone calls him Tyrant Wu. Come to think of it, he looks a lot like you!

B: Now wait a minute! How can you be talking about Xiang Yu and suddenly drag your Party secretary into it?

A: As I see it they’re pretty similar.

B: Xiang Yu was despotic and arbitrary.

A: He’s arbitrary and despotic.

B: Xiang Yu wanted to hear only good news and ignored the bad.

A: He ignores bad news and wants to hear only the good.

B: Xiang Yu wouldn’t listen to opposing views.

A: Opposing views plug his ears.

B: Xiang Yu pulled off a “Tyrant Bids Farewell to His Mistress.”

A: He pulled off a—uh—a “Party Secretary Bids Farewell to His Missus.”

В: Farewell to his missus?

A: Yep. His old lady filed for divorce.

B: OK. Just how does this guy act most of the time?

A: He can do nothing, and nothing is what he does. All he can do is give arbitrary orders. What he says goes; his every word is a profound truth, and there’s no room to object. Try and go against him and he’ll make things tight for you. If you obviously wear a size 40 shoe, he’s sure to give you a 34½.¹

B: Really puts the pinch on you?

A: And then ties the laces as tight as possible.

B: Ouch!

A: Then he’ll go stamp on your toes.

B: Wow, is he mean!

A: He has a pet phrase.

B: What is it?

A: “First democracy, then centralism.”

B: Good. We need to “let everyone have his say” and get rid of “what I say goes.” We must centralize the correct opinions of the masses. Then we’ll have centralism on a democratic foundation.

A: Oh, no, with him it’s “you do your democratizing, and I’ll do my centralizing.”

B: Huh? He’s got it mixed up.

A: Just take the last time our unit had some housing to divide up. The leaders wanted to give special consideration to families that especially needed it. So they set some places aside. Well, he got wind of it and came hotfooting right over. “I hear you’re going to divide up housing?”

B: —eyes popping right out of his head?

A (continuing to imitate the tyrant): “How’re you gonna do the dividing?”

В: We’re discussing it with the masses right now.

A: “OK! First off, let me remind you that the basic principle is, ‘first democracy, then centralism.’ When everyone is through talking it over, the Party branch will discuss it and I’ll centralize. The homes must go to those households that are truly in a bad way.”

B: Yes. Our idea exactly.

A: “Like mine, for example.”

B: Yes—huh? You have four people in a five-room flat. You call that hardship?

A: “You’ve got to take a long-range view. As of now we have four people, but when my son gets married, there’ll be five.”

B: Oh, so that’s how he looks at it!

A: “And when he has a child, there’ll be eight.”

B: He just got married and he has a child?

A: “Premature.”

B: Even if it’s premature, that’s only six people. How do you get eight?

A: “Maybe there’ll be triplets.”

B: So that’s how he’s got it figured!

A: “My demands are nothing much. Just a few more rooms, OK? A little wider corridor, hm? And—heh, heh—somewhat better living conditions.”

В (ironically): And slightly reduced rent.

A: “Thank you! That’s fine!”

B: Come off it. Where can you find a deal like that?

A: “I hear you’ve also got your hands on a few other items?”

B: They allocated a few TV sets to us.

A: “Oh, some TV sets?”

B: There go those eyeballs again.

A: “Now when we allocate them, we first need democracy, then centralism. If they’re really quality merchandise at a low price, then our family will take one first.”

B: They’ll be first, I see.

A: “What else have you got?”

B: We have some—imported curtains.

А: “Нее! We’ll have some!”

B: And some limited-circulation books.

A: “One set for us.”

B: And five ration coupons for full-sized wardrobes.

A: “We’ll take a coupon.”

B: And two giant hot water vats.

A: “We’ll take one.”

B: You want a whole vat?

A: “Uh—we’ll share it with everybody!”

B: You call this allocating?

A: “We have the best interests of the masses foremost in our minds.”

B: Right—when something the size of a water vat comes along he finally thinks of others.

A: But we analyzed it afterward, and it turns out that his method of allocation fully accords with his principles.

B: First democracy, then centralism?

A: Yeah! Something good comes along, we have a go at democracy, and then everything is centralized at his house.

B: Oh, that kind of democratic centralism! This guy really is a firstclass tyrant.

A (imitating the tyrant again): “What? What’d you say?”

B: I said you are a tyrant.

A: “A tyrant? What the hell are you driving at? Who’s a tyrant? How am I a tyrant?”

B: Isn’t it obvious?

A: “Where’d you get this attitude toward the Party? Let’s get one thing straight—the battalion has a commander, the nation has a head of state, the work unit has a chief, and the family has a—head of household.”

B: You count the head of a household too?

A: “You can’t be absolutely egalitarian; that’s what the Gang of Four tried to push. You criticize every little thing; just what the hell are you driving at? You may think you’re quite a rebel, but I’ll show you a thing or two.”

B: Don’t you touch me. You are acting like the Gang of Four.

A: “What the hell are you driving at? What’re you up to? Let’s get one thing straight—I’m the secretary! I’m not mixed up with the Gang of Four one bit. Wherever I’m transferred I’ll be the secretary. What’ve you got to say to that? If I don’t serve here, I’ll serve there. What’ve you got to say to that? I can’t be fired, I’ve got an iron rice bowl. What’ve you got to say to that?”

B: He really is blustery and pugnacious.

A: “What do you mean I make people’s blood boil and pinch their feet? Who pinches? When have I ever pinched you?”

B: He certainly heard that wrong.

A: “Your blood is boiling, you say? Serves you right! Hope you die of it.”

B: Boy, it’s really enough to burn you up!

A: When he acts this way, what can the masses do?

В: All they can do is get angry.

A: The most annoying thing is the way he turns everything into an issue of Party leadership.

B: Even when it’s irrelevant?

A: Yeah. Now take a small example from last Saturday. Our unit’s dining hall got hold of some pig’s head from a slaughterhouse—really cheap, thirty cents for a big helping. Everyone was divvying it up. When Tyrant Wu got wind of it, he came hotfooting it over to the kitchen. “I heard there’s some pig’s head?”

B: There go his eyeballs again.

A: “Not bad. Great! Hurrah!”

B: So what happened?

A: Tossed a piece into his mouth.

B: Pretty greedy!

A: “Hey, you! Pack me up a few portions.”

В (taking the part of the meat seller): “Hold on there. ‘First democracy, then centralism.’ I must sell to the others first; you can go to the end of the line.”

A: “What’s that? I have to wait in line? Just what the hell are you driving at? The Party secretary’s schedule is very tight. Waiting in line will delay the branch. You’ll be held responsible.”

B: “I’m not making the branch wait in line. I’m telling you to line up.”

A: “I’m the leader of the branch. I represent the branch. Just what the hell are you driving at? Let’s get one thing straight!” (raises his hand)

B: He was going to hit somebody?

A: “Just scratching my head.”

B: How can one guy be so screwed up?

A: I saw what was going on and ran over to reason with him. “OK, OK, OK, don’t get riled up, Secretary Wu. I’ll wrap up whatever you like.” (then, to the meat seller) “With so many people waiting, why argue with him about such a trifle?”

B: Then let him go ahead and pick.

A (imitating the tyrant again): “Now that’s the correct attitude toward the Party branch.”

B: He’s pleased.

A: “OK, here I go, I’m going to choose, I—I don’t want this one.”

B: How’s that?

A: “There are pig’s ears in it.”

B: How can you have pig’s head without pig’s ears?

A: “I’m not much of a fan of pig’s ears.”

B: Here’s tongue.

A: “Don’t like it.”

B: Here’s brain.

A: “Don’t like it.”

В: What do you like?

A: “I like the pig’s—uh—the chest!”

B: You mean chops.

A: “Yes. Pork chops.”

B: Get out of here! Since when does a pig’s head have chops?

A: I was standing nearby and was fed up, too. “Secretary Wu, you’re really going too far. What’re you being so picky about? Everybody’s busy day and night carrying out the Four Modernizations, and you don’t even care about the dining hall. If we get off work a little late we can’t get a hot meal. We arranged for this meat by ourselves, and now you come and butt in. How come you’re suddenly so concerned about us?”

B: Disgraceful.

A: “Just what the hell are you driving at? Let’s get one thing straight! Now do you want Party leadership or don’t you? Does your democracy have centralism? Did the Party branch investigate this matter of selling pig’s head?”

B: You need the Party branch’s OK for this?

A: “Of course!”

B: They shouldn’t sell any to you.

A: “What? Not sell any to me? OK. Then I proclaim—it is not permitted to sell pig’s head. Tomorrow is Sunday—no one is allowed the day off. Instead we’ll have a study discussion session.”

B: To discuss what?

A: “A specialized inquiry into pig’s head!”

B: A meeting devoted to a plate of pig’s head?

A: Everybody blew up when they heard this. “Tyrant Wu is just too absurd. Why wait till tomorrow? Let’s go straight to the meeting hall and talk this out right now!”

B: Right. Make him see reason.

A: Tyrant Wu gives the masses no credit at all. He said the masses were hotheaded, giddy. When they went to the meeting room and took seats he said, “Now what the hell are you driving at? All I wanted to discuss was the leadership of the Party and—its relation to pig’s head.”

B: You’ve really screwed up Party leadership.

A: “It’s just that I don’t like to eat pig’s ears. Or tongue or brains, that’s all. OK, who’s got something to say? I’m not afraid. Speak up. And I won’t haul out the cudgels or stick you with a ‘hat’² or make you wear small shoes—or pants—or anything else.”

B: Stark naked? Shameless!

A: The masses just couldn’t take it any more. One guy leaped to his feet. “Enough! All you can do is babble about ‘Party leadership’ and lecture about ‘political study.’ Well, we’ve heard enough of this singsong. We’re fed up with empty talk!”

B: Right. What the masses want is the Four Modernizations.

A (continuing to imitate the indignant comrade): “Who says we don’t want Party leadership? All we want is good leadership. You know what everyone calls the Party secretary in the unit across the way?”

B: Bosom buddy of the masses.

A: “And you? Exactly what have you done for the Four Modernizations? Do you care one iota about the masses’ welfare—day care, dining hall, showers, barbershop? You won’t listen to anybody. We wanted to build a bike shed and what did you say? That you needed a new assistant—new bureaucratic deadwood. What for?”

B: To be chief of the bike shed.

A (speaking as himself again): Engineer Wang made one suggestion to him and got sent to hard labor for three years. Even now Wu won’t admit he was wrong.

B: As stubborn as that?

A: “When Li the technician was doing that scientific experiment, he had a couple of setbacks, remember? Wu closed the lab! Li protested, so naturally Wu accused him of being anti-Party. One night Li sneaked into the lab to work but couldn’t work because a lot of big bottles of acid were missing.”

B: Where were they?

A: At Wu’s house to make brine for a Buddhist holiday!

B: He doesn’t worry about getting poisoned?

A: In his own life if he wants to eat pork chops instead of pig’s ears, OK—let him. But the way he “leads” us only harms the country and the people.

B: Tell his Party superiors and get him sacked.

A: When he hears that idea, he gets scared. “Just what the hell are you driving at? First democracy, then centralism. You’ve had your democracy but I haven’t centralized yet.”

B: Still wants to centralize! If he keeps on like this, it’s about time for “the tyrant to bid farewell to his mistress.”

A (still imitating the tyrant): “Farewell to what mistress? You can’t get me to bid farewell to my mistress.”

B: Why not?

A: “The mistress I keep at home loves me.”

B: What could that mean?

A: Just then the phone rang.

B: Who was calling?

A: His wife.

B: What a coincidence!

A: Just look how proud he is—with the receiver in his hand! (imitating Wu) “Hear this? It’s my mistress!”

B: What?

A (the tyrant suddenly feels embarrassed): “No, no, no—not ‘mistress’—I said ‘biz-niss’!”

B: Holy mackerel.

A (Wu on the phone again): “Hello. What’s up?”

B: What’s up?

A (imitating Wu’s wife): “Old Wu, do you know what time it is? You haven’t even given me instructions on what we eat for lunch.”

B: She needs his instructions on lunch?

A (Wu again): “Concerning the matter of what our family shall dine on for lunch, the Party branch has studied the matter—yellow croaker with pancakes.”

B: So now the branch has become his family? What nonsense.

A: “Did you get that?”

В (as Wu’s wife): “There’s no croaker. How about carp?”

A: “No go. Just what the hell are you driving at? Carp has too many bones.”

B: “How about pig’s head?”

A: “I don’t want pig’s head.”

B: “How come?”

A: “I nearly came to blows over pig’s head!”

В (as himself again): Isn’t that something? A scuffle with a pig’s head.

A: He put the receiver down and looked around. No one was left in the room.

B: Where’d they go?

A: They were so riled up they took off. They put up big character posters all over the place. Here they wrote, “We don’t want this kind of Party leader.” There they wrote, “We want a true demoeratic spirit.” Everybody beseeched the higher levels to sack Tyrant Wu.

B: You can’t shrug off the will of the people.

A: Tyrant Wu was so angry his face turned green and his lips blue. He paced back and forth in the empty room, saying, “Boy, will I show them!”

B: Still showing off.

A: He didn’t go home, so his wife came looking for him. She took one look at all the posters and gasped. “Wow! Hey, Wu, listen, what’re you doing? The people’s posters are all on the mark. You really should change your work style. Think it over! Come on, stop pacing; come home and eat first.”

B: Did he go home?

A: He was still angry when he and his wife got there. “Just what the hell are you driving at? Did you buy croaker or not?”

В: Still thinking about that croaker.

A: “Where am I going to get croaker these days? Let’s make some nice dumplings. We can get ready-made skins and filling at the market. You can have a couple of nips too.”

B: How can she be so nice to him?

A: “What do you mean, eat dumplings? Why did you countermand my instructions? You have disregarded the—the head of house-hold!”

B: A tyrant even at home!

A: His wife exploded. “You’ve gone too far, old Wu. Not a whit of democratic spirit. More of a tyrant than the Tyrant of Chu. Everyone wants to sack you, and it serves you right! I knew that sooner or later it’d come to this. Tonight our family will hold a plenary session and sack you as head of household too!”

B: Wow. His wife was keyed up.

A: “What? Remove me as head of household? It’s not that simple. Don’t get ideas just because they’ve put up posters against me at work. At home, my word is law!”

B: Gee, still so inflexible.

A: His wife was beside herself. “OK, if your word is law, then legislate to yourself. I’ve had it. I’m taking the kids and leaving. We won’t come back unless you change. One of these days, I’m telling you, somebody else will be head of this household.”

B: So it really was “bidding farewell to his mistress.”

A: “What?” said the tyrant. “Someone else as head of household? Oh, you want to divorce me?” He panicked. “Don’t leave, come back!”

B: So he came around.

A: “On the head of household question, you must listen to my opinion. As I see it—”

B: What?

A: “First democracy, then centralism!”

B: Still centralizing!

Originally published in Quyi (Beijing), No. 3, 1979.

Translated by Thomas B. Gold.

_________________

1. In contemporary slang, when a leader deliberately gives someone a hard time without acknowledging that he is doing so, he is said to make the person “wear small shoes.”

2. A “hat” is an undesirable political label.

Fast Clappertales and
Shandong Fast Tales

Fast clappertales and Shandong fast tales are related but quite distinct forms of popular comic art. They tell stories in rhyme and are performed in a quick, syncopated rhythm to the accompaniment of bamboo or metal clappers. Fast clappertales are in the Beijing dialect, accompanied by bamboo clappers; Shandong fast tales are in the Shandong dialect, accompanied by metal clappers. The contemporary messages in the present examples are only part of their appeal; the forms themselves, which are centuries old, are still well loved by the Chinese masses.

There’s a kindergarten in Moscow, where they say

A foreign reporter’s coming to visit today,

And, oh, this makes the new leader worry,

So she calls the kids to one side in a hurry!

“Now, kids, you’re about to be interviewed, and they might say

What do you have on your dinner plate,

And what kind of clothes do you wear every day

And who’s the leader of your state

And what kind of pets do you like for play?

And if they do, what will you say?”

“Auntie, let me, I know what to say!”

“OK, then you certainly may.”

“We have potatoes, black bread, and imported rice every day.”

“Ooooh, no, no, no! Sit down, sit down, sit down!

If you answer the question that way,

You get nothing to eat

And have to stand in the bathroom all day.”

That’s the scariest thing these kids have ever heard

So no one else dares to say a word.

The leader stands with her hands at her waist

And shouts at the top of her voice:

“Now remember what I say,

You must answer this way, you have no other choice.

We have milk and eggs on our dinner plate,

And leather shoes and pretty shirts are what we wear,

Mr. Brezhnev is our head of state,

And our favorite animals are the chimpanzee and the Russian bear.

Is that clear?

“Yes, ma’am, that’s clear!”

Now the kids are afraid of forgetting their lines,

So they say them over, time after time:

“Milk and eggs on the plate,

Leather shoes and pretty shirts, what we wear,

Mr. Brezhnev, our head of state,

And the chimpanzee and the Russian bear.”

The foreign reporter arrives after a while,

And the leader runs up to greet him with a great big smile:

“Ah, Mr. Reporter, sir,

You may ask any question that might occur.

They’ve all got their lines down pat—

No, no, no, I mean they’ll answer freely, just like that.

Oh, for example, you might ask

What do we have on our dinner plate?

And what sort of clothes do we wear every day,

And who’s the leader of our state,

And what’s our favorite pet for play?

There’s no need to ask any more than that, wouldn’t you say?”

Now the reporter thinks this is rather strange,

Like something funny’s been arranged.

“OK, I’ll ask the questions, but I’ll make a change

In the order and see what happens!”

“OK, so tell me please,

What are you wearing, anyway?”

“Milk and eggs!”

“Then what do you eat every day?”

“Leather shoes and pretty shirts!”

“And what’s your favorite animal, eh?”

“Mr. Brezhnev!”

“Well, then, who are your leaders, please?”

“Russian bears and chimpanzees!”

Performed in Beijing in 1978.

Translated by Jan W. Walls.

The boulevard is smooth and wide,

Poplars grow high on each side.

A bicycle comes whizzing down the road, flying by,

With a young lad pedaling, see him ride!

He’s wearing dark glasses and long, long hair,

His clothes are beautiful, cleaned with care,

A rayon shirt of heavenly blue,

And bell-bottom trousers of a darker hue.

That digital watch on his wrist is keen

And that bicycle’s a Phoenix Major, Model Eighteen.

He’s outfitted with nothing but the best,

But he still feels far behind people in the West!

This is Xiao Jun, a propaganda clerk in the pesticide plant,

It’s Liu Tingting he’s coming to see, the girl who is his bride-to-be.

He comes flying into the experimental farm, see him ride,

Charging down the narrow path, just so wide,

He sees two people in the cabbage patch spraying pesticide,

And one of them looks like Liu Tingting, his future bride.

“Tingting, Tingting, Tingting!” Listen to him yell,

And people stop and wonder why he doesn’t buy a bell.

He’s shouting loud and racing, pell-mell,

But he isn’t careful, and he loses his wits:

“Whoops! Oh, no!” Splash! “Aw, shit!”

And he lands in the middle of the night soil pit.

Then two people come and pull him out of that dung.

It’s Tingting and a young man, Fang Dacheng.

“I’ve been looking all over for you,

And look at the mess I got into!”

His black shoes turn a browner hue,

His bell-bottoms stick to his legs like glue.

And his body, well—well—it stinks like hell!

Now Fang Dacheng brings him clothes to wear,

And helps him wash his bike with care,

Then says: “Tingting, Xiao Jun has something important to say,

We can check on this experiment later in the day.”

Xiao Jun hurries over and says to Tingting:

“Ting, please give up this laboratory work

And listen to the advice I bring.”

“What? Xiao Jun, I thought you were backing me here,

You even told me to volunteer.”

“Oh, that’s because then I didn’t understand,

This work is dangerous, it could get out of hand!

Ting, our relationship has come a long way,

That’s why I care for you so much more today.

Darling, I love you because you’re young, alive, and in beautiful

shape,

Your looks even drive the movie directors ape!

They say you’re beautiful as a star;

I think you’re even more lovely by far!

But you—you have to mess around this dangerous place!”

“Xiao Jun! How can you say that without a blush on your face?”

Look at this vegetable patch, right under your eyes,

There are insects spreading all over the place.

Soon they’ll be feeding on this year’s crop,

And none of our pesticides can make them stop.

Our job is here, with pesticides,

Aren’t you a little concerned, deep down inside?

Xiao Jun, I’ve made up my mind, and I’ll confide

I must work in science, side by side

With Dacheng.” “Dacheng? Why? Why?

Why take chances showing off with that guy?

What if that poison blew in the wrong place?

You’d ruin the springtime beauty of a fair and tender lovely face.”

“Xiao Jun, a ruined face is one person’s worry;

We’ve got to come up with a new pesticide in a hurry!”

“Ting, I’ll tell you true, your lovely face means more to me than the

food I eat and the air I’m breathing,

Without it I simply couldn’t go on living.

If you ruined your looks in an experiment,

Oh, I’d kill myself, I’d call it quits, I’d jump back into that night soil

pit!”

Xiao Jun had even more to tell,

But the factory sounded the back-to-work bell.

Tingting was anxious to get back to work,

Xiao Jun’s blood pressure shot up with a jerk.

“Ting—Ting—Ting—”

He cried, but she didn’t hear a thing.

Poor Xiao Jun, he’s having a fit,

He walks his bike three times around the night soil pit.

Aha! He finally comes up with a plan!

He’ll get Tingting’s mother to give him a hand.

“Right!” He rides his bike to Tingting’s home,

He steps inside and hums and haws and groans and moans.

Mrs. Liu doesn’t quite understand:

“What’s going on here, young man?”

Xiao Jun tells her of all the dangers in a laboratory,

And even adds a bit of color to make it seem gory—

“Mrs. Liu, if she ever has an accident in that place,

She’ll have nothing but scars all over her face.”

“Holy smoke!” Mrs. Liu is really scared.

“My boy, you just wait right there.

I’ll get dressed and we’ll be on our way.”

“Oh, yes, but please hurry, eh?”

Xiao Jun puffs on a cigarette, feeling satisfied,

And munches on some peanuts by his side.

He looks up and sees a smiling photo of Tingting,

Just like a movie star, a beautiful thing,

A perfectly proportioned face,

Not too fat, not too thin,

Two thick eyebrows, curved and fine,

An ideal nose, and big eyes that shine,

Long lashes and lovely lids on those eyes so wide,

Watery, slightly turned up on each side,

Two lovely cheeks, so fair and fine,

Each seems to be brewing its own special wine!

Wow! The more he’s hooked, the cuter she gets, the cuter she gets,

the more he’s hooked, his vision fades, he’s losing his balance,

He seems to be inside an enchanted palace!

Nine hundred and seventy Tingtings appear in a vision!

Swoon!

Swooning, he lifts up his cigarette,

And grabs another handful of peanuts yet,

But he’s so upset he can’t tell north from south,

And just pops something into his mouth.

Ah! A hissing sound! He’s so upset

He almost ate his cigarette!

But now from the front door, there’s a knock,

And Dacheng’s sister comes in with a shock!

She’s all out of breath and wet with sweat—

“Mrs. Liu, an accident in the plant, I don’t know how,

But my brother and Tingting are in the hospital now!”

“Ah?” Mrs. Liu’s knees begin to quake.

Xiao Jun’s eyes are open wide, his hands are frozen at his side,

From the enchanted palace a moment ago

He’s dropped into a hellhole down below.

Dizzily, he turns around and walks outside,

Climbs on his bike and wobbles, slowly, he can hardly ride,

And silently leaves, not a sound is heard,

And to Mrs. Liu, not so much as a word.

Little Fang and Mrs. Liu,

are off to the hospital as fast as they can go,

To call on Tingting and Dacheng.

When she sees her daughter in bed, where she lies,

Bitter tears come to Mrs. Liu’s eyes:

“Tell me, child, how do you fare?

Is the pain more than you can bear?”

But Tingting tries to comfort her mother:

“Mom, the wound’s not such a bother

Thanks to little Fang’s big brother.

As soon as that old valve blew

Dacheng came running, like an arrow he flew.

Poison blowing everywhere, he didn’t care,

He pulled me to where I could breathe fresh air,

Then he ran back through the gas to shut the valve.

Dacheng must have been hurt worse than I.”

“Oh, what a fine boy, my, oh, my!

I must go find him and see how he is.”

“Oh, yes, you’d better!”

Mrs. Liu has just walked out

When little Fang runs in with a shout:

“Tingting! My brother says to tell you the news,

Your experiment is working,

It’s been tested and approved.

They’ll start making your formula right away!”

“You don’t say!”

Tingting is moved and overjoyed inside,

She can’t help feeling full of pride.

Then, the sound of leather shoes outside

Has a familiar ring that’s hard to hide:

“Listen, little Fang, that’s got to be him!”

Little Fang tilts her ear—

That’s queer! These footsteps come and go, sound fast, then slow,

sound weak, then strong.

Little Fang runs outside to see what’s wrong.

It is Xiao Jun, what a sight, hands behind his back, circling left and

right.

He looks up and sees little Fang come out,

And runs right over to ask about—the wound—

“Tell me, little Fang, are Ting’s eyelashes still nice and long?”

“What?” Little Fang doesn’t know what to say.

She thinks, “He doesn’t even care how she feels, anyway,

Or whether her wound is bad or slight,

He only asks if her lashes are all right.

This guy’s got something wrong upstairs.”

“Go in and see for yourself, if you dare,

Whether she has lashes, I couldn’t say.”

“Well, OK!”

Xiao Jun slowly enters the room, and to his surprise,

Tingting is all wrapped in gauze, nothing showing but mouth and

eyes.

Ah, it’s even worse than he had thought at first.

A cold look covers Xiao Jun’ s face

And sadness spreads all over the place,

As if sending off a corpse.

Tingting asks him this, that, and the other too,

But nothing seems to be getting through.

Finally little Fang can’t stand it any more:

“How can you be so reserved at a time like this, anyway?

There must be so many things you want to say!”

“Say? What is there to say? It seems

The past was nothing but empty dreams.

This just hasn’t been my day!”

Tingting finally understands what he’s trying to say,

And now she sees through him to the core.

With a sigh, he silently walks out the door.

Little Fang takes Tingting by the hand:

“Tingting, you mustn’t feel bad, do you understand?

Don’t waste your feelings on him any more.”

“Little Fang, when he walked out on me today,

He proved he wasn’t serious about me anyway.

If it weren’t for this accident, maybe he’d stay,

But he would love me only as a pretty thing for play.

I couldn’t be happy with him anyway.

True love must be based on something real.”

“Oh, Tingting, that’s just the way I feel!”

Now the doctors come in and proudly say

Their skills can wipe the wounds away.

Dacheng and Tingting are out in no time,

Hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, finding new peaks to climb.

Then one day, with sunshine and blossoms, spring comes,

And we hear the sound of fireworks, gongs, and drums.

There’s a big celebration at the plant, no less,

For the new pesticide was a great success.

At the head banquet table Dacheng and Tingting sit side by side,

Each with a red flower on the chest.

Looking lovelier than ever before, Tingting’s

Face is fresh as the breeze of spring.

Xiao Jun looks up from the crowd, and he’s mortified,

He looks around for a corner where he can hide.

Then someone pokes him in the side:

“Say, Dacheng and Tingting are sporting flowers and wearing red,

Doesn’t it look like they’re being wed?”

This little joke makes everybody laugh,

Except Xiao Jun, whose face turns red, and

then turns green, and then turns purple, then turns white—he looks like a

multicolored neon light.

But see Tingting and Dacheng, each in place,

True love written all over each face.

Who’s the lucky one, tell me true!

I’ll leave the answer to that one for you!

Performed by the Beijing Ballad and Storytelling Troupe (autumn 1979).

Translated by Jan W. Walls.

Here’s the tale of a fellow by the name of Wang

Who let his hair grow very long.

He smeared on grease and oil to make it behave

Then with an electric comb he gave

Himself a great big permanent wave.

From any angle, take a peep, he looks just like a woolly sheep.

Now one day he goes to the bike shop to fill up with air

And the kid behind him sees his hair, and thinks it’s a lady there.

“Uh, lady, can I use the pump when you’re through?

I’ve got a basketball to do.”

This makes the fellow kind of mad,

And he turns around, looking bad:

“Who’re you callin’ lady? Damn!

Can’t you tell the difference ‘tween a woman and a man?

Look here, ace,

I think I’m gonna slap your face!”

“B-b-but your hair’s so long, gee,

I couldn’t tell if you were a he or a she,

So why hit me?”

Well, I’ll be!

Performed for television in Beijing (autumn 1980).

Translated by Jan W. Walls.

Once there was a man called “Ear to the wind,”

And there was another called “Endless Tongue.”

The two were comrades-in-arms, you might say,

And they met on the street and chatted one day.

“Ear to the Wind, you’re great, heaven knows,

You can rise high by shifting as the wind blows.”

“Endless Tongue, you too are pretty slick,

You rose to vice bureau chief with one well placed lick.”

“Ah, but you can feel a tempest eight thousand leagues away,

And whichever way the winds may blow, higher and higher you go.

Why, you can ride a typhoon through the deep blue,

And stir the sea into a murky brew,

Or you can hide in an anthill when the winds are too cold

Or ride a tornado to heaven, I’m told.

The grass that bends with the wind is nothing compared to you,

You could deal with any wind that ever blew!”

Endless Tongue has hardly said what he has to say

When Ear to the Wind starts jabbering away:

“Dear friend, how would I dare make any claim, before a person of

your fame?

You’re so resourceful, yes indeed, your tongue can grow to meet

any need.

Whatever the leadership, you can still lick,

And you make it seem such an easy trick.

You want to go to heaven? A stretch of your tongue is a ladder to

the sky;

You want to cross a river? A flick of your tongue is the best bridge

you can buy.

A flick of your tongue and Lord Yama¹ would quake

For fear you’d bring his dead awake.”

“Oh, such praise, really, I’m inferior to you.”

“Ah, such modesty, you’re really best, it’s true.”

“You know, these great abilities of ours

Have all been fostered by our ‘superior powers.’ ”

So saying, the two of them left with a laugh,

While bystanders stayed behind, muttering their wrath:

“Huh! Boast all you will, curry with all your might,

But see if you don’t end up in a plight!”

And having said this, perhaps we ought

To let everyone give it a bit of thought,

For though this tale occurred under the Gang of Four,

Can we really say that these ways exist no more?

Originally published in Tianjin yanchang, No. 4, 1979.

Translated by Jan W. Walls.

________________

1. Lord Yama is Lord of the Dead in Buddhist mythology.

There’s a section chief in our company, Wang is his name,

And playing “bureaucrat” is his favorite game.

“We’ll think it over,” he always claims,

Or “We’ll talk about it,” which is just the same.

Now we have a storage shed about to tumble down

So we filled out a form requesting repair

And sent young Huang from Supply to the company

To give it to Section Chief Wang up there.

Wang takes the papers, shuffles them a bit,

Then slowly begins to move his lips:

“No need to panic over this, I’d say,

We’ll think it over and make up our minds,

But for now, why don’t you get back on your way

And come again in a couple of days.”

Two days later young Huang comes back.

The Chief is smoking and reading away.

“He’s already thought it over, I declare,

How serenely he sits in the chair.”

The Chief half-rises, nods his head,

Then ever so courteously he says:

“And what can I do for you today, let’s see,

Is it a wedding? Got some sweets for me?”

“Chief, I’ve come to ask about our request.”

“Request? What request?”

He’s let it slip right out of his head!

“The request to repair our storage shed!”

Chief Wang thinks it over and says:

“Gosh, I’ve just been so busy these days

I haven’t had time to discuss it yet.

For the moment, why don’t you just go back

And come again some other day.”

Young Huang is miffed, needless to say,

He’s already wasted two trips this way.

When four more days have come and gone

He returns again to see Chief Wang.

“Now, about these building repairs—”

“What? Hire yourself a carpenter for home repairs.”

He’s forgotten about the whole affair!

“Chief, I’d think it over if I were you,

This is our third interview!”

Chief Wang scratches his head in thought,

Then searches through every cabinet and box.

“Gosh! How could it have gotten lost?

Write me another one, what do you say?”

Huang turns around and says: “OK!

I’ll get something written up right away!”

Huang spreads his paper, raises his pen, and now

He writes an expose, a long dazibao¹

“We requested three times and got not a word,

A Long March² like this is really absurd!

If all of us were like Chief Wang, indeed,

The Four Modernizations would never succeed!”

Originally published in Tianjin yanchang, no. 3, 1979.

Translated by Jan W. Walls.

________________

1. A dazibao is a critical wall poster.

2. This refers to the “New Long March” i.e., the Four Modernizations.